I have water, I have rum

On Thursday night, I saw R.E.M. And while I have to say I was oddly disappointed to not hear "Underneath the Bunker" (have they ever played this live? My guess is "no"), it was a wonderful show. I can't imagine a better first time. Sloan was playing the same night, at the same time, at the other end of town. So we hurried out of The Garden after the last note and got to the Bowery Ballroom just in time to catch the last 45 seconds of Sloan's set. Does this count toward our quest to never miss an NYC Sloan show in 11 years? Probably not. The next night, Sloan played again. I danced and drank and sang and fought enough for two nights, easily. I had another wonderful time despite the efforts of that moron in the Brooklyn shirt ("But my ex-girlfriend used to go out with Chris!" Uh, why would that mean I'd let you cut in front of me?) and the-funny-only-to-Chris-Murphy "Skip Lowe". Yikes. Still, the fun never stopped.

Now we're in a bit of a show drought. Sure, there's Jarvis, but not until July 21. Then there is George Michael, on the 23rd, followed by Dead or Alive on the 26th. But what do we do until then?

Quest for Fire, I am looking to you. According to your MySpace page, early July is pretty quiet. Why not come to NYC and take advantage of the weak American dollar? It's the right thing to do.

Here's their video for "I've Been Trying to Leave." Clearly the subtitle should be (Toronto, and Go Play in New York).

I know you seen me on the video

I have a strange relationship with music videos. I loved them, mainly. At first, they were a novelty to be enjoyed late on Friday nights or whenever I was visiting Long Island. Once we had cable, I began consuming music videos the way I had previously consumed books, constantly, passionately, voraciously. I still remember the first time I saw "Pictures of You," "Lies" (oh, "Lies"!), even "Underwhelmed" (how is this video nowhere online?).

Then music videos became harder to find. And I started in on a job where my daily (and most wonderful) task included reading comments from people who were very disappointed by the lack of music programming on a music channel. Hey, I understood. They weren't sending their comments to the right place, but if they were looking for a sympathetic ear, they found it.

During that seven-year tenure, music videos became increasingly easy to find. There were the nonstop videos on VH1 Classic, for one (of course they have since given up on videos almost entirely) and the whole watching-videos-online thing, which I just cannot fully embrace. I like the convenience, sure, but I have a really big, really nice TV that I'd rather be watching. On it, I view episodes of "Subterranean," usually a few at a time. I put watching off because it feels like homework, because I hate almost everything played. Seriously, mediocre songs, hideously ugly hipsters, bad animation -- this is not where music videos should have gone.

Tonight, while watching last week's "Subterranean," I saw a video that did it all right. The song is great, for one. The video is performance based, and the people look really into making music. (Hallelujah.) There are no lingering closeups of unattractive people or bad attempts at artistic filmmaking. It's a bunch of people (Holy Fuck, specifically) playing a song ("Lovely Allen," to be precise). And the director, Drew Lightfoot, is a genius, for he totally focuses at any given moment on exactly the instrument you want to see being manipulated right then.

I'd give this six stars if I did such things, but I don't. Instead, it gets five glorious stars. I will put the video here, but it's better on my big TV, for sure.

has anyone ever written anything for you

!!!!

karate school!

Finally, YouTube comes through. I was doing a little game-show research and stumbled upon this, which is a longstanding favorite of mine. You will love it.

can't stop it, won't stop it

Jennifer Lopez, I adore you.

no one else can feel it for you

I love winning. And we won! Even though I wasn't there. Finally. Nice one, boys.

Also, this is so wonderful. But then again, it could just be that I love James Franco. And the name Justin Bobby.

it's the #1 fact of life

Dear YouTube,

You suck. Not only do you not have "VD Gets Around," you keep giving me some other weird square white people VD commercial instead (which is just creepy). Plus how can you not have "I'm a dog, I'm a working dog, I'm a hard working dog!" I'm disgusted.

love*jane

how can I ease the pain?

What a waste of vacation, lying on the couch in misery, watching the Rangers lose twice and hating everything ever. I really really need to be back in good form for work tomorrow, and I really need sleep, so I have concocted a reasonably lovely hot toddy for myself (with spiced dark rum, honey, hot water, ginger, lemon and cloves) for I am sure these voodoo remedies have to work better than the OTC crap that isn't doing a thing.

PS: This title brought to you by this :

Professor Pickles!

I am way too cold and tired to do this today, so I will leave you with this gorgeous 4 minutes of genius:

what have I done to deserve this?

I have had "Lisa Lisa" stuck in my head all day. Not Lisa Lisa, but "Lisa Lisa". Oh no oh no oh.

In better news: Hey, did you know they had Inbreds videos? Me neither! I love the Internets.

I miss my funky friends

I had my birthday party on Saturday, and some very special people made the trip all the way from Minneapolis. They are at JFK now, and I miss them already.

Anyway, many wonderful friends from near and far attended the celebration, which was held at my favorite restaurant. The proprietors were nice enough to let me play a DVD, so I made a mix (which took all day Saturday to make). I found one of my favorite bits on YouTube, for your viewing pleasure. I find it to be a timeless delight. Enjoy!

there was time to kill

Next Rangers game (that I have tickets to): 142 hours

My birthday: 16 days (yes, even at my advanced age, I still live for my birthday)

"Flight of the Conchords" on DVD: 30 days

Surely there are other great things to be excited for and look forward to, but I can't think of them right now. Instead, enjoy this totally weird video for "Countdown," by Pulp. And wonder how it is that I have never seen it before. Speaking of weird Pulp videos, I really need to dig up my 12-year-old mashup video for "97 Lovers." I wouldn't hold my breath for that to actually happen.

remember the time

Today was my first day at a new job. Those of you who know me know that this doesn't happen very often, as I am terribly loyal, holding on to a job far longer than I should in some cases. So yes, that was new and exciting.

In other big-changes news, I finally got the HD DVR to go with the HD TV I bought last October. Surely sports and movies are going to be infinitely more enjoyable with this new cable box, and it has some sweet features like the option to start recording a show late — so I was able to DVR "The Office" (end time 10:01PM) "Grey's Anatomy" (end time 10:02PM) and "Without a Trace" (start time 10PM) — but it is lacking a few things. One problem is that the time elapsed doesn't show up when you're fast-forwarding anymore, just an arrow that shows you where you are in the show. Um, that's not good enough.

Tonight, I said, "I really miss the time," as I zipped through "Subterranean." And Dollo replied, "Ohh. ... Really?"

Because she thought I meant Morris Day's band. Seriously.

Luckily, I don't really miss The Time. I think they still tour, for one thing, plus I can enjoy gems like this whenever I like. What a delight.

my dick need no introduction

Have I mentioned my obsession with "Big Brother"? Well, I am obsessed with "Big Brother," more this season than any other (mainly due to my free time, I'd imagine), and tonight, my favorite player won! (Well, my favorite player after pretty Nick left.) Hooray!

our love goes under the knife

Idolator tells me that Charlotte Gainsbourg had surgery for a brain hemorrhage today. This reminds me that I should show you "The Operation," in case you've missed it.

Is that incredibly tasteless? Probably. It isn't meant to be. It's just that reading news about her reminded me that I have neglected to note that I love her — her songs, her hair (obviously), her face, her way. Jarvis Cocker wrote almost every song on 5:55 (Air and Neil Hannon worked on it too). That helps explain why I like it so much, but I like it more than Jarvis' solo album, so clearly Charlotte herself is a big part of the greatness. Anyway, here's "The Operation." Love it.

don't worry about your future, just call in the patriot

In case you haven't already (and surely many of you haven't already) enjoyed this, please enjoy it now. It's my favorite anything ever, and that endorsement should be enough, frankly.

You may not laugh and cry (though I sure did), but you will never be the same.

I present Thrush Hermit's "Patriot."

here at my nightmare's end

It's amazing how a new haircut (Julie, I continue to worship you - by the way, I'm willing to share: She's at Deluxe in Williamsburg, and not only is she extremely talented and an absolute delight, but she's also gorgeous) and a mojito can totally change one's perspective.

Yes, while everything from trivial TV nonsense (Nick! Oh how I will miss you) to actual tragedies (both personal and public) still get me down in a serious way and most things continue to suck, I'm back from the brink.

I won't list all of the things that brought me to said brink (let's just say Murphy and his motherfucking laws can bite me), but I'm over it. My summer starts today.

Enjoy this wonderful song and its scary (and fantastic) mashup video — yes, I made it myself, about 400 years ago — for "Summertime Climb" by the Flashing Lights. It's my greatest creation, best appreciated if you are exceedingly awesome or at least on exceedingly awesome drugs.

I wonder if I take you home ...

Here's just a little peek inside our house:

At 11:30 PM tonight, Dollie and I sat in the living room hysterically crying. She, at some certainly monumental and touching moment in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And me at a lady butchering the lyrics to "Uptown Girl" on "The Singing Bee." Mine was of the laughing-so-hard-I'm-wheezing type, which certainly makes me mentally unstable (in case you're keeping track).

Also, there will be more entries in my top 100, but I spent last week trying to dig myself out of a pit of despair, and I'll spend this week shopping, gambling and drinking, so I'll update when I can. Please stop the incessant begging.

Oh yes, and to give you a visual, please consult this video. Coincidentally, I am wearing the same pink outfit as Lisa Lisa right this minute. And Dollie is rocking the Full Force headgear and doing the dance — while reading her book! She is amazing.

they've only got one

Henrik has re-signed. Hallelujah!

To celebrate, here is a nice video for a not-bad Sloan song. (Though, as the lovely and talented Lola has noted, the "or maybe TWO!" at the end almost ruins it all).

Oh, and THIS ... is awesome.

anytime she wants to walk out, that's fine

I've been taking a lot without giving back

This may be the best video ever.

You're welcome.

you care, I know, I forgot for a while

It borders on ludicrous that I am unable to write more than once a week. I mean, really. But this weekend I was tired. So so tired. Friday I went to see "Les Miserables" with my mom and Dollo. Third time for me, fourth for my mom, first for Dollo. Sadly, Fantine was terrible. Other than that (although that's big — killed a big crying scene for me) it was very good.

Saturday I went for a walk to get milk at the farmers' market. Then, um, I think that was it. Oh yes, plus the "am I getting thrown out or a lease?" apartment drama ended (I'm getting a new lease Monday). And there was also the hockey game (just on TV, but exhausting all the same) and "Invincible." Let's see, Mark Wahlberg starring in an inspirational sports film about poor people? Of course I loved it!

Speaking of that, yes yes yes to his Oscar nomination. And yes yes yes for Ryan Gosling's. Finally, something to root for. Also, it's been about 18 years now that Mark Wahlberg first showed up in a New Kids on the Block fan magazine and I said, "Ooh, now that's what I'm talking about." So when he wins that Oscar, I can say I knew him when.

Today, I took a shower and spent the day switching between the couch and the computer. This is sad. I am sad. In nearly all senses of the word. But! I did manage to squeeze in three or four hours of Korean TV (No subtitles. And none of us speak Korean), including a show featuring practical science experiments. And the popular favorite, Xman. I never have any idea what's happening, but everyone is having so much fun that it hardly matters. Enjoy!

yeah, no problem, Tyuts

I'm not sure what you know about "Bobby Granger's Guide to the Rangers" (very little is my guess. If I'm wrong, let me know. We have so much to discuss!) but it is a series of short spots promoting the greatest sport's greatest team (this is not defined with win/loss stats, clearly). Anyway, they are all quite funny and deliver precious off-ice seconds with the players.

Last night, Dollie introduced me to this one, which is my favorite ever, not just because Matt Cullen is in it (he's the ping-pong playing "Bonehead" who doesn't understand Russian) but mostly because it made me laugh for at least 15 minutes after I saw it. That plant? Comedy gold. I've never caught this one on TV, and I seriously watch hours of MSG a day. So I'm sharing. Enjoy!

you wonder why New York fans are in love with him

If you listen close, you can hear me screaming.

tonight, and tonight only. whoo!

Here's another from the "Ding Dong... You're Wrong" video vault. I could write 400 books about this moment in time, this piece of a song, this lasting memory of a time when I loved one band more than most anything else in the world. But instead you can just watch it. Maybe you'll understand.

where does the fun begin

This is a big moment.

I introduce Ding Dong... You're Wrong's YouTube debut.
One segment down, six years of magic to go.

I feel the storm, an old fury

I don't know how regular sports fans do it. Saturday night destroyed me. Two hellish losses. Ugh.

Another hockey night tomorrow. Wish us luck. Please. It's the Devils, and I just can't stand all the New Jersey fans in the stands. Punches may be thrown. I am a sore loser.

Yesterday I didn't leave the house (A tip: those karaoke lists don't type themselves. 800+ songs later, my wrist is still hurting). El Fano helped me preview the karaoke DVDs. We emoted through "Reunited," did steering wheel dance moves for "(You Drive Me) Crazy" and stumbled over Shaggy's "Angel." No drinks and still it was tons o' fun. Magic.

Then Mojito Loco. It had been a while, and the ceviche isn't going to eat itself.

I came home and checked out my MySpace page, which had decided for itself to insert a Sheila Divine video. It's like they knew I was experiencing a new bout of TSD mania. Wow. If you watch it (and you should) stick around for "to make Jane and Dollie cry!" and the ensuing giggles. You'd giggle too, jealous.

I dyed my hair dark, by the way. I think it might stick this time.

Also, work is going to be an amazing, exciting challenge of wonder and horror. So if you don't hear from me until Friday, you know why.

wake up girl, don't be a daydreamer

Is "The Bridge" the greatest show ever? Yes, it is. They just played "Sally Got a One-Track Mind." I live.

Speaking of — and I know I say this constantly, but ... — you really need to listen to the Gay Pimp podcast. This week's episode is wonderful but last week's was a revelation in high-concept genius. Jonny McGovern described his magical gay wedding featuring Martha Wash in a wedding dress and Aretha Franklin and Jonny's intended duetting on "Knew You Were Waiting For Me" as they walk down the aisle (seriously, if that doesn't get you to support same-sex marriage, I don't know what will).

Then it got better. How? I'm not sure I can even explain, but talk of Britney's "I'm country!" led to Linda James, I believe, saying "that went out with 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' " (that's one of the most amazing things ever said, clearly), which turned into Britney singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and then an anti-paparazzi Christmas album and then and then and then — by the end, Nick Lachey was dating Mrs. Claus. It was like a dream, really.

Oh, "The Bridge." Again. Another thing I love about it is the little "411" boxes that pop up. For example, "Though the Young Black Teenagers claimed their group name was simply a tribute to the black culture they loved and identified with, many found it ridiculous and/or offensive." Ahahaha! Indeed.

Here's a place to watch some more videos. Why? Because I love you.

can I go nowhere with you?

While waiting for the bus today (Oh God, I hate doing this. This is why I walk the 70 miles from the train. But I forgot an umbrella today, so bus it was), I had an incredibly vivid fantasy featuring a boy that I like (Who I really have to give up liking. I haven't even seen him in 30 forevers now). It was totally hot. He drove by and stopped and drove me home. And that was it. I have very sexy fantasies.

I was watching that Springsteen at London something concert (it is very famous) on channel 21 (though I have the DVD) and I'm pretty sure that "Backstreets" is my all time favorite song. Over "Against All Odds"? Yes. Topping even "Backstabbin'" -- oh no, I can't even finish that joke. Yes. "Backstreets" is #1. It has an alluring (ooh!) intro, a big finale, yelling and also that repeating part. Everything I like. Fantastic.

Speaking of fantastic, I present the Gay Pimp podcast. You have to listen. All day, every day. Listen and tell me I am wrong. You can't. I wish it were more than once a week. This week they talk about having a whole station. I would listen. I would give up sleeping to listen. I would quit my job to listen. I can't get enough.

What is up with that "Jane Fonda" song? I kind of love it. Maybe it is very old, I only know it from looking up "jane fonda" on YouTube.com (don't ask) and it made me laugh.

Dan Abrams just said, "It does make me feel yuck." I live.