I'd love to but I can't, sir

I love Sloan. Even when I don't like some of their songs, even when I (temporarily) don't like some of them as people (hey, it happens), I always love them. And this time, they made it so easy. With two fun shows and two totally normal after-show meetings, they made me want to follow them all over the world. Though I cannot. I especially cannot follow them right now, as they are about to go to Australia, which is very far away. I do not have the money or time for that. I will tell you that if JetBlue went to Minneapolis, I'd totally go to that show this weekend and make Kim be my date. Unfortunately for me (and maybe fortunately for Kim) JetBlue doesn't go there. I hate you right now, JetBlue. Even if you let me fly for free.

I was just watching "Subterranean," and I was thinking how they should hand the show over to me. I have experience, and I would play much better songs. (Seriously, there were some barkers in there this week.) Also, think of all the people they could fire (I know how you love to do that, people who rule MTV2!) Also, I am cheap. Ask anyone. PS I can't believe I didn't direct that sick Of Montreal video (and I mean sick as in not well). It truly has the jane and dollie tm mark.

What podcasts should I be listening to? Talking ones, not song ones. What I listen to now is "Gay Pimpin' With Jonny McGovern" and "Savage Love." I enjoy them both immensely. Another talk radio thing I enjoyed is Howard Stern, c. 1995. Clearly I've put together a clear profile rife with clarity, so leave me some suggestions.

Speaking of Howard Stern c. 1995, why has NO ONE posted the video of when they spray-can-haired Scott the Engineer? This was genius classic TV/radio. They even gave him a widow's peak! I must have it on tape somewhere, but who has time to look through all those tapes? Do you think someone would pay me to digitize all of my video? Because it's good for America.

some kind of life with the edges taken off

Thanksgiving was delightful, but I am so beat today. All of my muscles hurt and I can't hardly keep my eyes open.

I was supposed to go out and do something fun, or at the very least catch up on "Dexter" today, but I didn't even pull that off.

What did I do? Eat way too much pumpkin loaf (thank you El Fano!), read a couple of chapters of the Bernardo/Homolka book I've been dying for (thank you Paperback Swap!), listen to most of the latest Gay Pimp podcast and do some dishes. What a snore.

ladyish, waxed woman

This has a lot of bad words, but all are deserved.

This week on my #1 all-time favorite podcast, "Gay Pimpin' With Jonny McGovern," Reichen Leimkuhl won the Douchebag of the Week Award (after they read Vanessa Minnillo within an inch of her life for her hugely offensive "Ugly Vanessa" stunt) for proudly saying he's a "straight-acting gay." Oh, that went over big. A super-heated Jonny's in regular print, Linda's chiming in in italics.

Reichen, in some interview said, "Well, most of me and my friends are, you know, S.A.G.s — straight-acting gays."

Are they, Mary?

First of all, Reichen, you fucking pussy-having woman, Fuck You.

You're the face of gay America, and you're going to use self-hatred?

OK, look, I love a butch game. It's OK to pretend you're doing a little butch game to get laid. But don't fucking start with me that your whole life is that you're a "straight-acting gay" because you're "not like that." FUCK! YOU! It makes me so ANGRY!

And he's got gay face, number one.

First of all, Reichen has got gay face. Secondly, he's probably a big nelly pussy bottom.

He's taking it from Lance Bass' two-inch cock.

Yeah, from Lance Bass' little two-inch wiener. I hope you're listening, Reichen, because fuck you, you motherfucker! It makes me furious when famous gays start to act like it's better to act straight or neutered so that you don't upset the boat.

You wear sweater sets, Reichen. Stretch tees and sweater sets do not classify to me as S.A.G.

Take your moment of your 15 minutes of fame you stupid, ex-Air Force whatever. Just because you had to be in the closet — you chose to be in the Air Force, in the closet, and so you don't know how to really be gay — you think that acting pretend butch — and by the way, your eyebrows and all of your skincare is not helping with your thing you fucking ladyish, waxed woman. Fuck you, Reichen.

It makes me so angry that someone who is having their moment in the gay spotlight is going to start telling you he's a straight-acting gay, like it's cool to be that way. It's OK to pretend to be straight to get laid, or you can be kind of a butch person, but saying you're "straight acting"? Fuck you.

I live.

I take a guess: Is someone shopping at Payless?

I found a house that I want to buy. It's in Buffalo. It's white and brick, with four bedrooms, one and a half bathrooms and refinished (super shiny!) hardwood floors. I love it.

And I found a vacation I want to take. It's in Peru. There is glorious Machu Picchu, plus a fancy hotel with a bath butler — I never heard of this, but now that I've seen the results, I know I need it.

Now I just need $120,000 to do both right. Pretty cheap, when you think about it. So pay up, someone. Thanks!

On Saturday, on my way home from running out to buy medicine, I cried all the way home. But it was laughing. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant went through all the verses of "Old Mother Hubbard," and that mess is crazy. Seriously, crying. I should post it somewhere. I probably won't though. For I am lazy in that way. I'm sorry.

let's play catch, I'll throw the shade

Should I see "Paris Is Burning?" Is it crazy that I never have? The Gay Pimp Podcast panel is obsessed, and I think they are heaven on earth, so perhaps I should follow their lead. Perhaps I should return some of these Blockbuster movies I've had out since June as well, and have them send me "Paris Is Burning" instead. Ooh, how exciting.

I had to read some man on the way home today. I got off at Bedford after almost stabbing a woman on the train out of rage (If you were rocking stupendously uncute sunglasses, a busted haircut, a nasty knapsack and carrying five FedEx boxes on the L this afternoon, watch yourself before you crotch yourself. Or something) and when I walked by one stoop, a dude swept his pile of leaves on me. "Oh, thanks" I said to him, with suitable incredulity. He's still smarting, no doubt.

I wonder how long I can go on quoting "How to Read" by MECCA? Probably a week, that's my guess.

wake up girl, don't be a daydreamer

Is "The Bridge" the greatest show ever? Yes, it is. They just played "Sally Got a One-Track Mind." I live.

Speaking of — and I know I say this constantly, but ... — you really need to listen to the Gay Pimp podcast. This week's episode is wonderful but last week's was a revelation in high-concept genius. Jonny McGovern described his magical gay wedding featuring Martha Wash in a wedding dress and Aretha Franklin and Jonny's intended duetting on "Knew You Were Waiting For Me" as they walk down the aisle (seriously, if that doesn't get you to support same-sex marriage, I don't know what will).

Then it got better. How? I'm not sure I can even explain, but talk of Britney's "I'm country!" led to Linda James, I believe, saying "that went out with 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' " (that's one of the most amazing things ever said, clearly), which turned into Britney singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and then an anti-paparazzi Christmas album and then and then and then — by the end, Nick Lachey was dating Mrs. Claus. It was like a dream, really.

Oh, "The Bridge." Again. Another thing I love about it is the little "411" boxes that pop up. For example, "Though the Young Black Teenagers claimed their group name was simply a tribute to the black culture they loved and identified with, many found it ridiculous and/or offensive." Ahahaha! Indeed.

Here's a place to watch some more videos. Why? Because I love you.

can I go nowhere with you?

While waiting for the bus today (Oh God, I hate doing this. This is why I walk the 70 miles from the train. But I forgot an umbrella today, so bus it was), I had an incredibly vivid fantasy featuring a boy that I like (Who I really have to give up liking. I haven't even seen him in 30 forevers now). It was totally hot. He drove by and stopped and drove me home. And that was it. I have very sexy fantasies.

I was watching that Springsteen at London something concert (it is very famous) on channel 21 (though I have the DVD) and I'm pretty sure that "Backstreets" is my all time favorite song. Over "Against All Odds"? Yes. Topping even "Backstabbin'" -- oh no, I can't even finish that joke. Yes. "Backstreets" is #1. It has an alluring (ooh!) intro, a big finale, yelling and also that repeating part. Everything I like. Fantastic.

Speaking of fantastic, I present the Gay Pimp podcast. You have to listen. All day, every day. Listen and tell me I am wrong. You can't. I wish it were more than once a week. This week they talk about having a whole station. I would listen. I would give up sleeping to listen. I would quit my job to listen. I can't get enough.

What is up with that "Jane Fonda" song? I kind of love it. Maybe it is very old, I only know it from looking up "jane fonda" on YouTube.com (don't ask) and it made me laugh.

Dan Abrams just said, "It does make me feel yuck." I live.